Day 7

Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Are you a competitive person or not? What helps you refocus and/or work harder when you find yourself slacking off?

I guess I was always a competitive person when it came to school. Forgive me for the boasting, but I was one of those little smartie pants who got straight As my entire life. I even finished my graduate program with a 4.0. (It's ok, go ahead and call me a geek/nerd/dork.)

But, outside of scholastic matters, I've never really been all that competitive. I was never an athlete. I've never been part of the corporate world, where being competitive is a plus. Oh, wait, I was competitive in my youth when I was a straight up band geek. In high school, I was first chair in the concert band, as well as a rank leader in the marching band. Holy hell, I was a freakin' geek!!!

At this point in my life, I don't think I'm really competitive in any area of my life. So I guess the answer to the second part of the question would be...nothing. The older I get, the less I give a shit. Wait, does that make me sound like a bitch/slacker? It is what it is.

I'm kind of afraid that the constant pressure I've been under at the Hell-Hole these past couple of years has just caused me to start shutting down. I never thought I'd EVER be one of those people who just phoned it in at work. I'm just so completely drained, both mentally and physically, lately, that I can't get myself back to 'that' place. Inside me, the excited, enthusiastic, hard-working, caring, dynamo of a teacher I used to be (and still WANT to be!) is screaming to get out. But, the drained, tired, beaten down, stressed out shell I've become at work is keeping her from making an appearance. It really upsets me, yet I almost feel powerless against it. How sad is that?

I know right now some of you are screaming at your screen, "Then get the hell out! Get a new job! Go to a new school!" Believe me, ALL of those thoughts cross my mind, practically on a daily basis. I know I haven't really been writing about work much this year, and it's because of how very much I HATE my job right now. I've gotten to the point where I'm seriously considering not going back after the Christmas break. I've also given some real thought to making a complete career change, and getting out of education all together. And, no, I'm NOT joking. That's how bad it's gotten.

But, one of the reasons I haven't been writing/sharing/venting about it here is because I just can't let it be my focus 24/7. Plus, I don't want to turn this place into one big, giant bitchfest. The drivel I write here provides me a bit of a distraction from the shit that is my professional life. I'd rather focus on the positive things in my life, like my awesome son, my awesome family, my awesome friends, you get the idea.

I have toyed with the idea of starting a new blog, solely for the purpose of purging all the shit I need to get off my chest (which would give my Bestest Friend a break, by the way!) but like I said, I don't want to give the 'shit' so much power and focus. It already has taken over too much of my time and energy, I don't want to give it any more. Does that make sense?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, how the HELL did this become a (very public!) therapy session?! I'm glad I got some of that off my chest, though, so I guess I won't delete it. Let's hope the rest of this month's prompts don't send me to a shrink's couch!! Then again, maybe that's exactly what I need....