The post where I overshare...

Thursday, January 20, 2011

What's holding you back?

Hmmm...I guess that depends on what I'm holding myself back from.

What's holding me back from finding someone to spend my life with? Probably the fact that I'm still, down deep, in love with my ex-husband. There. I said it. The past 6 months or so, like I mentioned yesterday, have brought some interesting/crazy changes. It caused me to take a serious look at myself in the mirror and do some major self-analysis. Trust me, I don't like most of what I see. But, it is what it is.

Oh, and just to clarify something from yesterday's post (so Suz doesn't have a stroke!) yes, it WAS a kiss in the morning, but that's because CSJ picks up Stud most mornings, and drives him to school. He has a key to my house, so he lets himself in the back door, goes down to the basement to make sure Stud is up, and then he usually comes upstairs and checks his email or whatever on Stud's computer. If he takes him to school for me, it literally gives me an extra hour to sleep. Usually, I hear him come in (he'd NEVER make a good cat burglar!) but yesterday, I was in a coma or something. I didn't hear him come in, and was seriously in a deep sleep when he planted one on me. As much as I hate to admit it, it was a really sweet way to wake up.

Ok, moving on...

What's holding me back from getting in shape? The short answer - pure laziness. That, and my LOVE of food. All food. I can only think of about 3 things I won't eat. Liver (or any organs, that matter), cilantro, and any kind of innards (tripe, for example). Other than that, I'll put just about anything in my mouth. (Ok, C and Sandra, get your minds out of the gutter!)

The intelligent, educated side of me knows that for health reasons alone, I need to lose some weight and get some exercise. The 'looking better' part would just an added bonus.

What's holding me back from changing jobs? Well, part of that is my aforementioned laziness. When I think about having to pack up all that stuff and move it, it gives me palpitations! But, really, there aren't a whole lot of jobs out there right now. Chicago let about 3,000 teachers go at the end of last school year. There just aren't any positions available. Well, if I was a special ed or bilingual teacher, there would be positions, but I'm neither of those. As my partner at school keeps saying, "Just suck it up and play the game. At least we have jobs." It's hard to argue with her most days. Especially when New Principal is being psycho.

But, as most of you know, it upsets me that I've lost my joy. I used to feel joy about going to school and seeing my babies every day. I used to feel joy when I thought about all the activities we'd be doing. I used to feel joy when writing out my lesson plans, because I was so excited about teaching them new things. Now, all I feel is stress, mixed with anger, occasionally interrupted with rare moments of joy.

Now, in all fairness, this year has been getting better, especially since I decided to approach 2011 with a new outlook on things. But, it's nowhere near what it used to be. I still count down the days until our breaks. Hell, I count down to days off! (For example, the kids are off next Friday for a staff development day, and that's all I can focus on to get me through the week.) I have my tickers right there, smack at the top of my page, so every time I come here, the first thing I see is how long I have before my next break. It makes me sad that I feel this way, but at the same time, I can't help it.

What's holding me back from getting my early childhood certificate? This one would mostly be finances. I finished my last masters program before Stud started high school. I'm going to have to wait until he graduates, I'm afraid, before I can start another program. His tuition is outrageous (but totally worth it!) so I just can't add grad school tuition to the mix right now. I have one more year of tuition for him at this school, then I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'm hoping and praying he'll get some kind of financial aid and/or scholarship money.

And, hey, he can get a job!! That's how I paid for college, for Pete's sake! I started working full-time in high school, as soon as I could get a job at 16. This lazy bones is 17 already, and has absolutely no interest in getting a job of any kind. WTH?! I had to work full-time to pay for college, and I still managed to keep a 4.0. There was a semester that I was taking a full-time load at two different colleges, plus working. How in the HELL did I do it?! I never took out any student loans, my parents made "too much money" for me to get financial aid, so I worked my butt off to pay my own tuition. Just like I worked 3 friggin' jobs to pay Stud's tuition when he first started high school. Thankfully, by suffering through summer school last summer, I can get by with just working one job this year. I am thankful for small victories. :)

Sorry, I'll quit the whining now. Wow, how did this post become such a roller coaster ride of weirdness? I went for over-sharing my self-analysis issues, to confessing my uber-laziness, to bitching about my poor son. This is one of those moments when I wonder why the hell you guys keep coming back every day. I guess you like me. You really, really like me. :)