It will be 25 years ago in June that we graduated. (For the last time - I'M FREAKIN' OLD!!) That memory is as fresh in my mind today as the day it happened. Things were just so complicated by then with CSJ. By then, we had been dating for over 6 months (yes, I know, that's the blink of an eye. But, hey I was just a dumb kid then!) and I actually had feelings for him by then. Hell, he had bought my ring 3 months earlier! I had even worn my engagement ring to prom, despite keeping it a secret from my parents. The day I graduated, CSJ told my dad he had a graduation present he wanted to give me, and that he wanted his permission first. Then he showed my dad the ring, and of course, my dad told him it was ok. What my dad failed to do is run it by my mother. Mama mia, what a mistake!!! But, that's a story for another post.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, graduation. Because I was getting so serious with CSJ, I never contacted BH again after graduation. One day, about 6 months or a year after we graduated, I saw him at our local community college. I was walking to my car after a class, and he was getting out of his car to (I assume) go to class. My heart literally stopped. Naturally, I looked like a hot mess, as I had probably gone to class in whatever sweats I grabbed first. Um, and I was engaged (officially, by now) to someone else. So I did what anyone else would have done. I ducked down and hid so he wouldn't see me. Yep, smart thinking, huh? I dove into my car, and got the hell out of Dodge. But, all the way home, I planned what I was going to do/say the next time I ran into him. Cuz, hey, he goes to the same school again! I parked in that damn lot for the rest of the semester and never saw him again. I took it as a sign that was meant to remind me that CSJ and I were planning a life together now, and that I really did love him, and BH needed to just be a pleasant memory.
Not long after that, I saw BH again at the mall, with his mom. Again, I basically hid, and fought the urge to run up to him and hug him. Then, about 10 years ago, I was at the mall with one of my besties, and who did I see? Yep, BH! OMG, he was just as gorgeous then as he was in high school. I felt like a goofy teenager again. My heart started pounding, and I got butterflies in my stomach. How ridiculous is that!? Again, I didn't dare approach him, and I stayed out of his line of vision. He was with some statuesque blond. I pointed him out to my friend as he was walking away. After telling me how hot he was, she asked me who he was, and I told her the whole story. (I met this bestie as an adult, so she didn't know the background.) After she heard the story, she decided that there was NO WAY she was letting me leave without talking to him, so she literally dragged me by the arm from one end of the mall to the other. But, we never found him.
Let's flash forward just a little bit. It was now 2000, and I had made a New Millennium Resolution (NMR, if you will) to get out there and start living (again, another post entirely, but by then CSJ and I had been separated for over 4 years and I had spent those years crying over my loss, and not moving on with my life.) so I took a bold step. I looked BH up! And, low and behold, I found his address. AND, I sent him a letter!! In the interest of full disclosure, I didn't do it until more than 6 months after I had seen him at the mall. But, I DID IT! I wrote him a 5 or 6 page letter. It's a bit embarrassing now, when I think about it, since a part of that letter was telling him that I wonder how different my life would have turned out if one of us had just made the first move. Pathetic, huh? I finished the letter by giving him my phone number, and told him that if I hadn't totally freaked him out and/or scared him away, I would love to hear from him, and catch up on the past 15 years. I shoved the novel in an envelope and dropped it in the mail. And, then I immediately wanted to crawl into the mailbox and get it back!! What had I done!!?
I tried not to think about it, so imagine my surprise when about 4 days later, my phone rang, and the caller ID showed BH. I almost peed myself. And, I almost didn't answer. I gave some serious consideration to letting the machine get it. But, then I reminded myself of my NMR, and picked up the receiver. I was instantly transported back to high school. Oh, I hadn't heard that voice in over 15 years! And, he was still so damn sweet! I told him that I felt like such a fool for sending the letter, and he immediately told me that he was glad I did, and that I shouldn't feel foolish. But, sadly, he also told me he had just gotten married. The blond I saw him with was his fiance at the time, and they had just gotten married a couple of months before. Poop. So much for my master plan to get us back together.
After we talked for about 15 or 20 minutes, I was feeling really uncomfortable, given that his WIFE was home (he had shared the letter with her, so there were NO secrets here!) and I was feeling really stupid and childish for having sent the letter at all, so I started wrapping things up. He made sure that I had his number, and said to call him anytime (yeah, right!!) and that he's so glad I contacted him, etc. I never called him. I just didn't see the point. I was just this pathetic loser who was still pining for her high school love, and he was a happily married newlywed.
Over the years, I ran into other friends from high school, and every one of them asked me if I ever heard from/talked to BH. It made me laugh every single time! I ran into one friend who was not only one of my closest friends in high school, he was also one of BH's. As a matter of fact, they stayed close even after high school. Actually, as it turns out, he became friends with a friend of mine, and we reconnected at a gig this friend was playing. Anyway, this friend and I spent the whole night catching up on the past 20 years (which meant we missed our other friend's entire show. Oops!) and inevitably, the conversation turned to BH. Long story short, my friend told me that BH was in the process of getting a divorce (and he gave me some dirt on the soon-to-be ex-wife!) and told me that I needed to call him. He even went so far as to say he was going to have us both over for dinner so we could reconnect. I told him I didn't think that was such a good idea, especially since he was in the midst of the whole divorce process. I figured he had enough on his plate, ya know? I told me friend to give me a call when things settled down, and I'd reconsider his offer.
That was about 3 years ago, and I haven't spoken to my friend since. OK, so back to where I started about 4 hours ago. For some reason, BH looked me up on Classmate.com the other day! Things that make you go hmmmm..... Through Classmates, I sent him a quick note, saying I was pleasantly surprised to see he stopped by and signed my guestbook, and I gave him my email address. I wasn't really expecting to hear from him, especially because I have no idea why he was looking me up. Just because he clicked on my profile doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to contact me. He could have just been stopping by to see how poorly I've aged over the past 25 years!
If I was pleased to see he had stopped by my profile, imagine my excitement when his name showed up in my inbox the next day! "Hi L how are you. Here is my cell# 708-6XX-1XX4 give me a call so we can catch up." Short and sweet, right? There's no way I'm ready to use that phone number just yet, but I did send him a reply that day saying that I was going to wait until I had a good chunk of uninterrupted time to talk. "Sounds good. take care and have a good week." Be still my heart....
Now, I should probably mention that this email volley all took place on Thursday. As in January 19. As in, what would have been my 20th anniversary. You know, the morning that I posted how, deep down, I'm still in love with my ex-husband. Can someone explain why, then, has my stomach been fluttering for the past 5 days at the prospect of reconnecting with BH? Why do I instantly revert back to being that silly, immature 17 year-old? Why am I making more of this than there is? Who knows, I may hate him now. He might have grown up to be a crotchety old man. Maybe he's a jerk now. Maybe he's weird. Maybe he's still the same sweet, kind boy he was 25 years ago. I have no idea. Is it crazy that I'm dying to find out? I realize that both of us must have changed a LOT since high school. It would be ludicrous to think we haven't. But, at this point in my life, I no longer want to have any regrets about things I could/would/should have done. What's the worse that could happen? We discover we no longer like each other? Ok, so be it. But, if I didn't allow myself to find out, I would regret it. And, I don't want to live my life with any more regrets.
So, my Bloggy Buddies, what do you think? Thoughts, suggestions, criticisms, anything? Is anyone even still reading at this point? This just may be my longest (and probably most boring!) posts. I had to split over two days, for heaven's sake! If you're still here, thanks. Now, tell me what to do! ;-)
Oh, crap, one more thing. I know I told you that CSJ, Stud and I went out for dinner on Thursday. At some point during dinner conversation, CSJ brought up BH!!! I can't even really remember what the hell we were talking about. I'm sure it had something to do with Stud being 17, which was the age I was when I met CSJ. He said something about me dating 'someone,' and Stud said, "Yeah, you!" And, CSJ said, "Oh no! It was some OTHER guy named B! Your mom even went to Homecoming with him!" It was kinda funny, actually. He almost sounded jealous. I was just blown away that CSJ would even bring BH up, since it's not like he was ever a topic of conversation before. SO weird, don't you think? By then, I had already seen the email from BH, but CSJ didn't know that. Just so weird. Am I trying too hard to pretend this is some kind of sign? Ok, come on, this is where you're supposed to give me your words of wisdom!
Peace in Christ
2 hours ago