I know I might have caused a few of my Bloggy Buddies to go, 'hmmmm...' after my last post (you know, where I overshared) so this will just add to that confusion. And, the general consensus that I'm a whack job!
On Tuesday, an email notice appeared in my inbox from Classmates. (On a sidenote, I sometimes feel like Classmates.com is the granddaddy to Facebook. I've been able to reconnect with old friends there, as well as catch up on what they've been doing since high school. We can leave each other messages, or post announcements, much like the FB 'wall.') I had to pick up my jaw when I saw the subject line said, "BH signed your guestbook."
You see, BH was my first true love. I know, I know, I've always said CSJ was my first true love, but if I'm going to be completely honest, it was really BH. Whenever I think about high school, he's the first one who pops into my mind. Even though he was a fellow "band geek," he was also a jock and on the football team. So during the first half of the year, which was marching band season, he was out on the field playing, while we were doing the half-time shows. After the show, we would rush to change out of our oh-so-attractive uniforms, and then my friends and I would go back out to the field to watch the second half of the game. You know, in those mega-comfortable bleachers, in that refreshing Chicago winter air. Ah, the things we do for love...
Even though he didn't actually march with us during the marching band season, he was in the concert band the second half of the year, so he still had band as a class all year. We got to spend 1 1/2 periods a day together in band, then all the band geeks had lunch during that last 1/2 period. We spent time together before and after school, as well, just hanging out. Several nights a week, we'd talk on the phone for hours. Once he got his license, he used to drive me home from school most days. Sweet, right? Even though we were never "officially" boyfriend and girlfriend, it was an unspoken thing. Everyone just kind of thought of us as a unit. If someone was looking for him, they'd come to me, and vise versa. I suppose what kept us from being "official" is the fact that we never actually went out on dates, and we never moved on to that physical stage of our relationship. But, we were both totally fine with that.
Here's the thing. We were both pretty shy in high school, him painfully so. Neither one of us could work up the nerve to 'make a move,' so things just stayed in that comfort zone. But, by senior year, after years of crushing hard on this guy, I finally worked up the courage to ask him to Homecoming. Oh, yes I did! I still don't know how I did it. It's hard to believe, especially if you know my 'in real life,' but I was nothing like the bold, hussy I am now back in high school. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown for about a week before I did it. Thinking back on it, I'm afraid I might have really been a geek and asked him through a note. OMG, that's SO high school!! Plus, I am/was pretty old school, so for me, as the girl, to ask him out was just crazy!
The important thing is - he said yes!! I spent weeks looking for the perfect dress. I practiced how I was going to fix my hair. I was SO excited, but also so nervous. I won't keep boring you with the mundane details, but suffice it to say, it was a magical night.
Now, we all know Homecoming takes place in the beginning of the school year. I was hoping that after my bold move, our relationship would move steadily toward being 'official.' Even though it did seem to bring us closer, he still just wouldn't take that step. And, I just couldn't bring myself to do. I used up all my courage asking him to the dance, for Pete's sake! It's not like he was dating other girls, and I certainly wasn't dating other boys, so I couldn't believe he wouldn't just ask me to be his damn girlfriend! It was exasperating.
Well, flash forward about 2 months, and CSJ enters the picture. I think I've bored you in the past with the story of how we met. (It's buried at the bottom of this post.) Again, if I'm going to be completely honest here, I have to tell you that the main reason I agreed to go out with CSJ was to make BH jealous. Yes, I really did. And, boy, did it work like a charm!!
On practically our first date, CSJ gave me his high school ring to wear. (Yes, that's how OLD I am!! We wore our boyfriends' rings!) It seriously was about a week after we started going out, which in hindsight, it hilarious! Anyway, I immediately put it on a chain and wore it around my neck. He gave it to me on a Friday (after an oh-so-romantic date at the mall. hahaha!) and on Monday, I wore it to school. As per our usual routine, BH and I met up at his locker before class to chit-chat, and as I was standing there talking, he was digging things out of the bottom of his locker. As he stood up, he caught a glimpse of the ring hanging around my neck. He grabbed it, held it up, and said, "What the hell is this?!" Now, I have to tell you, he was the quietest, shyest, most soft-spoken guy, so for him to curse, it was a big deal.
I was a little taken aback by his reaction, even though it was basically what I was hoping for. Does that make sense? I wanted him to fly into a jealous rage, but I figured that was just a fantasy, since he doesn't act like that in real life. I was shocked, and secretly pleased, that he had such a noticeable reaction. I mean, come on, what a boost for my ego, right?
From that moment on, things changed with us. He became a little more attentive, he called more, started carrying my books to my classes (see, there's that old-school stuff again!). It was nice, but it still wasn't what I wanted. What I wanted was for him to step up and say, "Hey, break up with that loser and go out with me!" But, it never happened. I just continued to enjoy the extra attention at school, even while spending all my time out of school with CSJ. Essentially, we just continued to be best friends, I guess.
BH and I actually did finally go on a date. (I'm not counting Homecoming as a date, since it was a school dance.) He took me out for dinner for my birthday that year. Oh, and he gave me the cutest little stuffed bunny. It was so nice. I was on pins and needles the whole time, thinking, "Ok, he's gonna do it. He's gonna tell me he wants me to be his girlfriend. Finally!" But, no. We just had a nice dinner, with great conversation, and we thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. (And, no, CSJ didn't know about it at the time. When he found out years later, he had the nerve to be mad about it.) I sometimes think (wish?) that the problem was, he figured I had a boyfriend now, so he shouldn't try to mess that up. He would never try to steal someone else's girl. I wish I knew what was really going through his head back then.
About a month later, we graduated. After the ceremony, as I was walking out the front doors of the school with my family and CSJ, I heard my name being called. I turned around to see BH rushing toward me. He gave me a big bear hug (yeah, CSJ LOVED that!), congratulated me, as I did him, and that was the last face-to-face conversation we ever had. Oh my God, I can't believe that just typing that made me start tearing up. What the hell is wrong with me!? Time for a break....
December 12th, 2017 The Day To Do It
3 hours ago