Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I've officially decided to quit my job

That's how I'm feeling at this moment. I just want to quit. I came about a breath away from walking out the door today, during the school day!! I just can't handle working in such a cluster fuck anymore. It's not good for my mental health, or my health in general. The stress is taking it's toll. I've been on a binge of stress eating for weeks now. I have a daily headache (which usually starts the minute I pull into the parking lot), and I have just been on the verge of screaming and/or crying every single day. I don't like this constant feeling of anger and rage that's just been consuming me lately. Plus, it's not the babies' faults, but that's who's suffering. Not to mention my OWN baby. I can't help feeling like I'm screwing up my own child because he has to live with a crazy bitch for a mother. I know I take all my anger and frustration out on him when I get home, and it's just not fair. It makes me even angrier at myself because I'm fully conscience of what I'm doing, but the anger, rage and frustration have completely enveloped me, and I just can't control myself sometimes. I want to scream at the Big Cheese, but instead I scream at my son. It's just not right. I hope he still can see past the 'crazy' and remember that I love him more than life itself.

Today was picture day, and I wish I had some cute stories, but I don't. Only more frustration. My kids were all told to be sure they were in uniform, since after all, it's a school picture, and our school has uniforms. As I was getting out of my car, at 8-fucking-o'clock, one of my parents came walking up to my car (she lives across the street) to tell me, "I don't know what I'm going to do with that C. She keeps telling me she has to wear her uniform today, and I keep telling her she doesn't..." I just cut her off with, "She DOES have to wear her uniform! It's a SCHOOL picture!" I was not friendly, but I couldn't even feel bad about it. What the hell?!

Every year I have to tell parents that if they want to take "cutesy" pictures with their FUBUwear, ROCAwear, or whatever other inappropriate things they want to dress their kids in, they can go to WalMart and take pictures on their own. For a lot less, I might add. Thank God I keep a bag full of uniform shirts in my room, because I had to put them on 5 of my kids, so that our class picture would look nice. We take the old-fashioned kind of picture, where the whole class stands together on the stage, as opposed to one of those class pictures that's a composite of all the kids individual photos. So, you see their whole body, and what they're wearing. It just looks so much nicer when they all have their uniforms on, and they all look the same. I guess it's just my personal preference, and as I tell my kids, I'm the queen, and what I say, goes!!

There's so much more I was going to vent about, but I'm going to stop there, because you really don't need to read anymore. Plus, I really just want to not think about it anymore tonight. What I'd like to do is fill up my tub, and take a good, long soak. And, probably a good cry.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. ---Douglas Adams


KBL 2 ORD 2 SAN said...

Awww, I feel so bad for you. I know what it's like to take your frustrations home with you. Change is good sometimes. I don't know how long you've been doing this, but maybe you do need a change. Or just a vacation...to San Diego!!!!:-)

Dori said...

love you. :( i think you're expressing the same feelings a lot of us are having there. like you said, it isn't our babies fault, but they are suffering because of the chaos. i'm gonna take you to the QC with me when I move!

Smileygirl said...

So sorry. I hope you feel better after your bath and cry. Sometimes that does help. I hope you have a good night's sleep and have sweet dreams of bashing the BIG CHEESE's F*cking face in all night long.

ChiTown Girl said...

Thanks you guys, for all your love and support.

KBL - I'm DYING to get out to CA. Maybe I SHOULD go to San Diego instead of LA this time. I have tons of family in SD. Hmmm, you may just have me showing up on your doorstep....

Dori - Love you more!

Smileygirl - When I decide to run away to San Diego, you better promise to meet me there! We can finally get all the ChiTown girls together. Woo Hoo!! Imagine what a party that would be!

Smileygirl said...

I really don't feel like spending the weekend in a Mexican prison. Maybe you better stay home.