Thursday, October 29, 2009

I'm a big loser...

...a big, fat, hairy, stinkin' LOSER!!!!

I dropped my program tonight. I dropped out of school. I quit. I quit like a big giant LOSER!! I am simultaneously feeling relief and disgust. Relief that I won't be killing myself doing the mountains of work for this program. Relief that I won't be adding more stress on top of the stress that I've been feeling at school since New Principal took over. Relief that I won't have to figure out how to pay for this program. Disgust at myself for giving in and giving up. I've NEVER quit anything in my life. I'm so disappointed in myself, even though I know it's the best thing right now. Ugh! I don't like being a quitter! (Hell, it took me over 12 years to 'quit' my marriage after I threw CSJ out of my house!)

Part of the reason I rushed into signing up for this program is that the tuition was supposed to rise by $2,000 November 1st. Well, now they've locked in the current tuition rate until the 1st of the year. That's two more start dates from now, so I can still consider starting again before the new year.

Another thing I've been thinking about (a lot!) this week is that if I'm going to put the time (and money!!) into another masters program, why the hell am I doing it for something I don't even want to do? Why aren't I doing it for something I DO want - my early childhood certificate!! I've spent a couple of hours tonight (that I would have spent doing work for the class I just dropped!) researching several universities and their early childhood programs. I actually found some good information. My alma mater has a program available that is just for certification, as opposed to completing another masters degree. It may be exactly what I'm looking for, since it's geared toward those who already have a teaching degree and have taught for some time. Oh, and I also stumbled across another certificate they offer for Online Teaching. Yes, seriously. It's only 4 classes! I'm seriously thinking about it. I have a friend who teaches online classes and it's great. You literally work from home. How do you beat that?!

My friend that started with me (although she was doing a different program - Curriculum & Instruction with an ESL endorsement) also dropped tonight. She was really overwhelmed, as well. But, she has FOUR children and a husband who also place demands on her. They are Greek, and her husband is the priest at one of the big Greek orthodox churches here, which means she also has many responsibilities for the church. She has hardly slept since we started these classes a week ago, and one morning this week, on the way to work, she fell asleep at the wheel. She ended up rolling into the car in front of her. Thankfully, no one was hurt, but it was certainly a wake-up call for her. She decided she needed to put this off for a while. So, really, I just dropped out so she wouldn't feel bad about dropping. Aren't I just the most supportive friend ever?

Actually, she and I were both thinking the same thing about why aren't we at least working toward something we WANT and she's open to hearing about what I find out about early childhood programs. If you've been reading here for any length of time, you know that my ultimate goal is to open my own preschool/daycare center. When we were talking this afternoon, trying to make each other feel less like a loser for quitting, she said, "Hey, I know! Let's BOTH do the early childhood thing, then we can open a place together!" Great minds think alike!

Another factor that contributed to my decision to drop is that I just found out, almost accidentally, that the after school program that I've been working for for years was dropped as one of our programs this year. WTF?! When the hell was someone going to tell ME!? This is a HUGE blow to my financial situation, and was the biggest factor in my decision to drop my program.

In the whole scheme of things, I really didn't have to do much for this after school program. I was the site coordinator, so I didn't have any children to teach. I simply supervised, and took care of all the paperwork (student files, assessments, sign-in sheets, employee files, payroll, etc.) Realistically, I usually only spent one afternoon on that stuff, which left me the rest of the month to do whatever I wanted. I had to be there from 3-5 while the program was in session. I seriously figured that would be the time I would work on my classwork for this new masters program. Yeah, well, not so much now, huh?

I'm seriously nervous about losing the salary from this job. The were very generous with me, and the money I made during those few months each year covered nearly all of my share of Stud's tuition. There is no way I can lose the money for his tuition, and then ADD nearly the same amount for my tuition. It would be like losing $10,000 this year. OK, I'm starting to feel better about dropping now. Even if I do another program, I will be taking out a loan, as opposed to having the payroll deductions I would have had for this program.

Yeah, I'm definitely feeling better about this decision. If any of you have some soothing words for me, please, by all means, share them! Or, you can just call me a big loser. I've got it coming.

I'll be back tomorrow to update about school (you know, the actual purpose of this blog!!) and Parent Teacher conferences tonight (for Stud). I'm exhausted, both physically AND mentally! Night, night!


Clippy Mat said...

soothing comments coming up.
wise decision my friend. everything happens for a reason. i know, that's an old chestnut of a saying, but it's true here. so now you'll rethink and go in another direction which will make more sense.

C said...

awwww my dearest chichi.... changing your mind about something DOES NOT MAKE YOU A LOSER! it makes you a smart cookie who knew it didnt fit and now is aiming for what will. i admire your strength to realize it just wasnt right for you, and your courage to change direction and go for what you wanted in the first place.


do what you love and the money will follow.


Busy Bee Suz said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have your reasons for sounds like this is something that is NOT going to benefit you in the long run, because you don't want to make that your career.
Plus, how could you be a big,fat, hairy, stinkin' loser? You are much too cute for that. :)

jwg said...

If you want the gold standard for Early Childhood training check out Bank Street in NY. I don't know if they do any online courses, or weekends, or any other non-traditional arrangements but if it is at all possible that would be the place to go!

karen gerstenberger said...

And here I thought this was going to be a positive report on your weight loss, which I see is progressing!
You are NOT a big loser, except in weight.
Here's my 2 cents:
Making hard but necessary choices doesn't always look like success. Looking like success doesn't always mean success. Sometimes "no" is the best answer.

You have new light on the subject now - light that shows what looked like a good step to be a good step, but maybe in the wrong direction, or maybe at the wrong time, or both. New light changes how we see things.
Taking a hard look and re-evaluating isn't quitting; it's responding to cues and clues that are being given to you. That's a key to survival, isn't it?
You sound as if you know exactly what you are doing, and why. I think you are actually a smart woman with a well-developed instinct for survival. Thank goodness! One day at a time...

Change for Good said...

I completely understand. You are not a loser. Go for what you really want. If it is that early childhood cert, I know you will do wonderful. Your sanity at the end of the day means a lot.

Jen said...

You are NOT a loser, you are involved in self-care. You are taking care of yourself by making difficult decisions that will pay off in the long run. If you want to open your own preschool, that is your path. Now lace up your boots and start hiking to that goal. You can totally do it.

jlo said...

It doesn't sound like t he timing was right. Definitely get your masters in something you love. Don't compromise!! You are not a loser.