Tuesday, May 6, 2008

There's 7 hours of my life I'll NEVER get back...

...oh.my.God. Jury duty SUCKED ASS today! I have NEVER in all my years been so bored! I would love to say more about it, but my brain is still the consistency of jello from the day I've had!

I do want to thank my friends for their outpouring of love and encouraging words, especially smiley and KBL, who left me comments here. I love you guys!

I feel like I should elaborate just a teensy bit about some of this baggage, because after rereading yesterday's post, I sound slightly more bitter and crazy than I would like.

Without completely boring you with every little bit of minutia, let me just say, that during the 12 years we were separated before we officially were divorced, I allowed my ex to play stupid, immature little mind games with me. For example, when he and the HWW would break up (which they did several times over the years, either because she caught him cheating [what a fucking surprise!] or because she was cheating [again, what a fucking surprise!!]), he would immediately come to me about it, cry on my shoulder for a while, tell me what a jerk he was for screwing things up with us, how sorry he was, blah, blah, blah, all while seemingly opening the door for the opportunity of getting back together. Then, time would pass, one of them would forgive the other, and once again, I was left heartbroken and feeling like a fool. Every year, for the entire time he was out of my house, I still got flowers on our anniversary. I'd bet my ass that the HWW didn't know anything about that, though! This past January would have been our 17th anniversary, and this was the first year I didn't get flowers. Technically, on paper at least, we were married 16 years. Our divorce was final last February. On the very morning of our court date (which I didn't even attend because I just couldn't do it) he came to my house to bring my son home. He was obviously dressed for court (suit and tie) and looking like the cat that swallowed the canary. With tears in his eyes, he says, "I'm so sorry for everything. You know I'll always love you. You've always been, and always will be, "the one." WTF?!?!? And, gee, why exactly am I having trouble moving on again? Did I just make myself sound even more pathetic now? Whatever, it is what it is.

Hmm, two days of purging SHIT from my head has done me a world of good. Probably hasn't helped anyone else, though, huh? I'll try to stick to school stuff tomorrow, I swear!
Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts. ~Author Unknown


Christina said...

So I've just read your whole saga and this is what I have to say to you: {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}.

Also, have you considered going into some kind of writing?! You have the perfect story for a movie -- AND you could end it the way YOU want it to end. Go for gold! (And now you know where I get my cheap therapy.)

Last, you are a dedicated mother and teacher and (let's not forget where you've been every night!!!) sister and friend. I can't begin to tell you how to "get over" somebody, but I can tell you that from the little I've read here, you should be setting yourself WAAAAAAAYYYYY higher than him or somebody like him. You're too good to be treated like that.

And forget little miss thang. (I know, way easier said than done.) She really shouldn't take up one more moment of your life. Just think. Every moment you think about her is one less moment you have back -- and my guess, that's way more time than jury duty.

ChiTown Girl said...

Christina, thank you for your kind and encouraging words. And, of course, the hugs!

I'm kinda diggin' your movie idea. I have a list as long as my arm of ways I could eliminate them both from the planet ;-)

And, you're SO right about not giving the HWW any more moments of my life. I'm really, really going to try and stay focused on that from now on. Lord knows, I have plenty of other places I could be channeling that energy!

Which reminds me...when are you coming out for a martini? :)

Miles To Go Before I Sleep...... said...

Hey hey lady!

ONE: Sounds to me like you need more then ONE margarita! (Shit, if I was in your shoes, I would have about 7 or 8, dance my ass off, and then eat a meal extremely high in fat.... at least that works for me sometimes;-)

TWO: I agree with the others, this is YOUR blog and it's here to help you vent.... it's GREAT therapy! Anyone who gets on you for writing something on your blog, can pretty much eat a di**!

THREE: You really need to get out and celebrate the hell out of your birthday.... John and I have a kind of "tradition".... you don't have just a birth"day", we have brithday WEEKS (or in really bad years, a whole month!) People ask us when our birthday is and it's always TODAY (in that month only though).... works great :-)

FOUR: Jury duty really sucks... been there, not crazy about going back EVER.

FIVE: Woman like her will always get what's coming to them in the end... it's called karma, it's came back to me a time or two and I firmly believe in it now.

SIX: Maybe I'm dumb but what the heck is BHFFI and BHWWFFI? I prbably feel stupid when you actually tell me :-)

SEVEN: You know, we only live bout 2 hours from each other and any time you wanna go out and have a freakin' blast on the town (mine or yours) give me a date and we can always work something out!

K.... off not for a margarita but a beer! :-)

ChiTown Girl said...

Aw, Miles, you're so sweet! I will email you about BHFFI, AND about getting together!!

FYI, I did indulge in several margaritas Monday night at the bar in honor of Cinco de Mayo! They were yummy-tastic!

I obviously don't know your entire history (yet!) but I'm hard-pressed to believe you could have had karma bite you in the ass for something. You have been on my mind a lot, actually, throughout all my bitching/purging because I think about how I should stop dwelling on the past and the negativity that surrounds it, when my life could have been so much more difficult. I can't imagine surviving the death of a spouse. How strong you must be to keep going. I realize that to a degree, you must be strong for your children, but I can't imagine how difficult that must be. Even though, when I first threw the ex out of my house, I seriously went through a grieving for what felt like a death (the death of my marriage?) it still doesn't compare, I'm sure. I'm truly inspired by you, and I'm going to try and focus that from now on. Well, ok, I probably have a little more purging to do, but then it's all you, baby!

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