Monday, May 5, 2008

All before 9:30 am....

...little T.B. dropped a "titties," "suck this!" and a few other choice expletives at his table. Charming!! Sometimes, I just want to choke that kid!! Then, I have to remind myself that what he needs way more than my hands around his throat are my hands just around him. He comes from one of the more screwed-up families I've encountered there at the Hell-Hole. Without getting into all the details right now, let me just share that he was STILL sitting in the office at 3:30 when I left, a full 45 minutes after school let out. WTF!?!? How do you just not worry about picking up your kindergartner!!? What kind of message does that send him. "Gee, you're just really not important enough for us to bother making sure someone picks you up at the end of the school day." So sad... For the 2,345th time, that's why I keep coming back to the Hell-Hole everyday - the babies need me.

Feliz Cinco de Mayo my friends!! I'm actually about to head up to the bar (surprise, surprise) to do a little celebrating. My son is spending the night at his best friend's house. My girlfriend is the best!! I originally just wanted her to drive him to school for me in the morning since I'm not working, and it snowballed into "Let him come here now, he can have dinner with us and spend the night!" That means not only do I get to sleep an hour later tomorrow since I don't have to drive all the way to his school, but I also can go out tonight for a celebration margarita!! Yay! I'll be meeting my parents and my uncle & his girlfriend, who are taking her daughter out for her birthday at a place near the bar, so they'll be joining us after dinner.

So, I came home from school today to find all my planter boxes, baskets, pots, etc., filled with flowers. Beautiful flowers! My (ex) mother-in-law strikes again! For the past few years, she's been doing that for me for my birthday. How sweet is she? She's a little early this year, but it was such a gloriously beautiful day here in Chitown, that I can understand why she did it today. Geez, I just hope it doesn't snow again this week, or dip below freezing. My friends from here know I'm not just talking crazy. It very possibly could happen!!

OK, I promised myself that I wasn't going to rant/vent about this, but I lie to myself a lot. Now that I've mentioned my mother-in-law, it brings to mind the piece of shit she gave birth to (sorry, Ma!) When I'm really feeling bitter/angry/spiteful, I always say that the reason she does SOOO much for me is that she's trying to make up for the fact that her son is such a complete cocksucking jagoff. Gee, maybe I should stop holding back and tell you how I really feel. I don't know why I still let him get to me. I seriously think I need to get some professional help to deal with all this residual anger and rage that I feel toward him. It just can't be healthy. Plus, it makes me sound like a bitter bitch, which I really try not to be. I just can't seem to move past this. But, since I obviously am having trouble doing that, I'll just vent.

Last Friday (the night of the Ice Cream Social) was apparently the Home Wrecking Whore's (HWW) birthday. Her 40th birthday, to be exact. It's bad enough that I was already pissed about the whole "yay, Dad's coming!" thing, and that I was actually going to have to sit with him and be civil. Then, he has the nerve to show up with one of the HWW kids. Now, mind you, I would NEVER hold it against her kids that she's a HWW, so I was perfectly nice/polite/cordial to the boy. And, my son adores her two sons, so I would never put my son in an awkward position by being rude to her kids. So, anyway, he brings the kid to the show, show ends, he makes the awkward introductions (I could almost read the weird look on his face..."Hmmm, I was expected someone with a tail and breathing fire...") and they leave. I find out a little while later from his dad that my son was eating cake because it was "someone's birthday." For God's sake, how much longer are you going to try and pretend she's a fucking secret!!!??? You can't just say, "It's C's birthday." No, she's got to be "someone." You fucking moron!! We're divorced now, you don't have to hide your mistress anymore!

Flash ahead to Sunday when my son came home. His father had mentioned to me that he was going to have to bring him home Sunday because he was going out of town again this week. Naturally, I assumed it was again for work. I had asked him why HWW couldn't just bring him home later, thinking, ok, I'll be the mature one and act like I'm ok with her doing a "parent" thing for my son. He says, "She's going with me." Hmmm, ok, whatever. Last night, my darling son filled me in on what's actually going on this week. His dad and the HWW took an Alaskan cruise to celebrate her birthday. How lovely. I realize that seems relatively harmless, and you're probably thinking, what's the big damn deal? Well, the big damn deal is the shit I can't let go and move on from. Thursday will be my 40th birthday. Do you know how I always thought I would spend my 40th birthday? With my husband and our 3 sons, in our home, together. Now, obviously, you know I only have one son, but that's because we separated when he was a year and a half old. But, my whole life I imagined myself with 3 sons. That's the family I've always dreamed of, always wanted. And, in my sick, twisted, angry, bitter way, I blame him for taking that from me. It's HIS fault I don't have that. On the other hand, he does have 3 sons now. He has mine and the HWW's two (from two different men, of course, neither of which she was married to. I just had to throw that in there to emphasize the WHORE part!) So, now SHE'S living my life, with "my kids" and "my husband." And, the icing on the cake is, in all the years we were together, we NEVER took a vacation. Never. The only trip we ever took together was our honeymoon, and that's only because my parents surprised us with it the night before our wedding. We hadn't planned to even take a honeymoon. But, for ALL the years that we were together, all I ever talked about was how one day, I wanted us to take my dream vacation - an Alaskan cruise. I swear to you, that's the truth. I've been dreaming of it since I was 18 years old. And, now the bitch has that, too. Do you see, I wasn't kidding when I said I need some professional help. Why can't I just get past this? The anger and rage are just as fresh right now as they were when I found out about her. I've seriously got problems.

There are times that I'm actually thankful that my son is sort of living the life that I planned for him. Two brothers, a mom and a dad in the home, etc., but I was supposed to be the mom, obviously! It's not like I even want my ex back, cuz I truly don't. He makes my skin crawl these days, and I could never see us together again. I don't know why it is that I can't just let it go. I think a lot of the anger comes from the fact that he ultimately chose her over me. In the past 13 or so years, there were times when I thought about getting back together, and there were plenty of times he made me believe that was a possibility. But, in the end, she "won" and I think that's what pisses me off, because I know I'm a far better catch! Although, at the time, I didn't really believe that, so it did some serious damage to my self-esteem. Obviously, there MUST be something wrong with me if my husband chose to be with someone else instead of me. Someone who has all the qualities most people steer clear of, which means I must really be unlovable, right? (I've been told by MANY people, mostly other cops that worked with them both, that she's "slept her way through the department," "she's white trash," and so on. She knew full-well my husband was married, and didn't care. She, at one point, gave him an ultimatum - get a divorce, or I'll marry J, the OTHER cop she was sleeping with at the time. We didn't get a divorce, she got married, and they continued their affair. Nice, huh? I realize how childish it is for me to spill so much dirt about her, but I didn't give her name, and beside, who cares. She's a whore, and if she's ashamed of how she's lived her life, that's not my problem. Besides, it makes me feel better to be such a vindictive bitch, ok?) Good grief, I have issues! Maybe some of you have some words of wisdom that can help me see the light.

Jeezaloo, I've been venting for quite a while. I was actually going to just delete the above rant, but now that I've spent so much time on it, it seems a shame to just get rid of it. Well, now you all have a little glimpse into my mental illness. My real friends will still love me in spite of it, I know. Maybe they'll love me a little more because of it...

I'm off to indulge in a margarita or two! Buenas noches!
God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces. ~Author Unknown

4 comments:

KBL 2 ORD 2 SAN said...

First of all, I loooove the word "titties". Love it!!!!!

Titties.

Titties.

Titties.

TITTIES!!!

Second of all, I knew I was right to want to BHFFI.

Third of all, this is YOUR blog. Channeling frustration and stress through this medium is healthier than letting them fester and boil inside of you. Let it out!

Fourth of all, see if you can dig up the current issue of the LA Times Magazine. Great articles by an LA divorce court judge. Something about really knowing yourself well, and LIKING yourself well enough, before allowing a significant other in your life.

Fifth of all, you are a wonderful soul. He's out there and he's the only one who'll see it, when it's time.

Sixth of all, get your butt on the computer, book a trip on an Alaskan cruise, and enjoy the fuck out of your 40th birthday year. I'm serious. You can send Sexy Lexy this way and I'll make sure he receives the proper nightly beatings to keep him in line while mama is on a much deserved vacation. ;-)

ChiTown Girl said...

Holy hell! KBL, my dear, sweet friend, I love you!! The last line of your comment literally made me spit all over my computer! Thank you for your sweet, encouraging words. I truly appreciate them.

Now, go show BelovED your titties!!!

LOVE YOU!

Smileygirl said...

I want to BHWWFFI!!!! Seriously she is a HWW and ALWAYS will be. And she is probably not as happy as you may think because how the hell can she possibly trust your ex based on how their whole relationship started?!? Of course he is to blame for the fact that he was married during this whole thing but you have to question what type of person she is to take interest in a married man. She has no character, no integrity, no class whatsoever. Pity this person because she is much worse off than you'll ever be.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with these raw emotions especially when it's time to celebrate YOU! Rejoice in the fact that you are a good person, with a good heart and you can hold your head up high wherever you go unlike that miserable HWW.

Also remember, what goes around, ALWAYS comes back FULL CIRCLE! And from what it sounds like HWW has obviously "been around."

ChiTown Girl said...

And THIS is why I tell anyone who will listen that I have THE BEST friends! Thank you, my dear, sweet smileygirl! My head absolutely knows you're right. As for the heart, well, I'm still giving it time.

I'm starting to think perhaps I should have planned a visit to CA for my birthday, cuz between you and KBL, that's all the ego boosting I need right there. I love you guys!