Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The 800 pound gorilla in the room...

...or on this page?

For months, I've ignored the ticker at the top of this page. You know the one. The one I so proudly used to show my weight loss. The weight I started losing while on summer vacation. Like the ticker says, I haven't updated in over 80 days. The last time to be exact was Halloween. October 31, 2009. That's pitiful. Just pitiful. Although I hadn't lost any weight since then, I was able to maintain those 25 pounds for quite some time, despite not doing the things I did to lose them. For example, I can't even remember the last time I stepped on my Wii Fit board, or did an exercise routine. I did still watch my diet, and was drinking gallons of green tea.

Right up until Stud's birthday, I was doing well. I was maintaining. Then, his birthday weekend was the first time I let myself fall off the "no carb" wagon. But, hey, it was the 16th anniversary of the day I thought I was going to die, so I felt entitled to a little treat. (Don't you love how I can rationalize everything!? That's pretty much how I got myself to point I am today.) I didn't go nuts, but it opened that dangerous door. Right around the corner from his birthday was Thanksgiving. Again, I didn't go nuts, but I ate things I knew I shouldn't have. I blinked and it was Christmas. Now, I almost never deny myself on Christmas because nearly all the food we eat on Christmas Eve, as part of our very traditional Big Fat Italian Christmas, is food we only eat once a year. If you don't eat it then, you're out of luck til next Christmas! But, just like on Thanksgiving, I didn't go nuts. Just a few bites of everything. I was happy. And, miraculously, I was still maintaining.

Somewhere between Christmas and now, I lost it. As long as I left my ticker alone, I didn't have to acknowledge my failure. Then, one day I opened up this page, and right there in big red letters - not updated for more than 80 day. Please update. Just in case you need that translated, it said, "Hey, loser, get off your enormous ass and do something!!"

So, I'm starting with this. I figured if I publicly acknowledged my "slip," I would feel compelled to do something about it. Stud had said, right before the holidays, that he wanted to 'go back on his diet.' His big loser of a mother convinced him that he might as well wait until the holidays were over. What kind of a bitch throws her own kid under the bus just to make herself feel less guilty about being a fat pig?! Ugh!

When we were looking at the pictures from the Mother/Son Dance, my little baby looked at one of the pictures, and yelled out, "Oh my God!! I look huge!!" It kinda broke my heart. Now, he's really determined to get back on track. It's me that's the problem. But, enough is enough. I have GOT to do this, both for myself AND my son. I've set a horrible example for him the past 16 years, and it has to stop.

Yet, even as I'm typing this, I'm eating tonight's dinner of...rice pudding. Yes, rice-freakin-pudding! Oh, and of course, Biggest Loser is on the TV, cuz I always eat while I watch this show!! Stud went with his dad this afternoon, and it just doesn't seem worth cooking for just myself, hence the rice pudding. Do I know this is insane? Hell, yes!! Am I back to that place where I would never think to do that? Obviously not. When I'm "in the zone," it would never enter my mind to have such a shitty dinner. I would take the time to make something for dinner, usually a big salad with lots of healthy add-ins, like tomatoes, olives, red/orange/yellow peppers, avocados, maybe some grilled chicken, goat cheese, etc. Wow, that sounds really good...too bad I didn't take the time to make THAT for dinner. One of my favorite things to take for lunch is a salad with roast beef (that I roll up, then rip into chunks) and bleu cheese, tomatoes and olives. Yum! I think I'm going to make that for tomorrow's lunch. Maybe it'll be easier than I thought to get 'back in the zone.'

Tomorrow morning, I will be weighing myself, and updating that ticker. Wish me luck. And, keep me in check, my Bloggy Buddies!! If I don't update for a while, call me out on it! Embarrass me. Do whatever it takes to make me accountable. I know you'll be doing it out of love.


KBL 2 ORD 2 SAN 2 LUV said...

Do it for yourself my friend. And for wanting to be around to see your baby reach all of his milestones yet to come. Not just to be around, but to be there healthy and happy. You can do it. We're all behind you. I'm always here if you'd like any tips or advice or support. We all are.

For the record, I actually did not notice the 800 pound gorilla on your blog. It is a testament to YOU that you did notice and called your own self out on it. Girl power baby, girl power!

KBL 2 ORD 2 SAN 2 LUV said...

p.s. diets do not work. don't do it. just steady life changes. steady. steady. steady.

karen gerstenberger said...

This is so difficult. Getting started is probably the hardest thing, and once you start, you will feel the results of good eating and movement, and you will want MORE.
The fact that you have a (sometimes stressful) full-time job and a teenager, being a single mother, I say, "HATS OFF to you!" for calling yourself out. But no shame, girl - please, NO SHAME. Shame is not your motivator; love is. If you love yourself enough to start one baby-step at a time, you WILL get there. And "there" is better health, energy and self-care. It's not a "size whatever." You can do it!

miss r said...

Every day is a new day. You can do it! If I know a determined woman, it is you. And Lex is an amazing young man, who has much of that same determination. I have a feeling he learned that from you. ;)

HappyWifeHappyLife said...

My dear.... I've struggled with my weight for the majority of my adult life. Btu - interestingly - once I quit stressing about it and berating myself (about a year ago) and just "let it go", the pounds starting (slowly) coming off. I've now made peace with my body and no longer have the crazy feast-famine-purge thing going on anymore.

My opinion: love yourself first. You are a beautiful, one-of-a-kind creation - don't forget that! Don't "diet" - it's punishment! Just make small, healthy changes, one by one... and incorporate them into your life. Like KBL said ..."steady, steady, steady".

Email me if you want to talk more about this, off-blog.