Saturday, May 9, 2009

Unless you have an hour to kill, don't bother to read this!

Let's last "real" post was back on Monday, April 27. WTF?! REALLY??! Wow, let's play catch up, shall we?

I posted about Stud's new bed. You can see by those photos that my poor son has a room that's about the size of most people's closets. I have the typical Chicago bungalow. That means it's very small. I have 3 bedrooms, but they're all small. I kid you not, my entire house would fit in my classroom, which isn't saying very much :(

I mentioned in one of my "pretend" posts this past week that Stud was sick. Apparently, while I was typing that last real post, he was over at The Girl's house, not feeling well. His father picked him up from there, so I never saw him that night. The next morning I get a frantic call from CSJ telling me that Stud is sick. (For those who are new here, or have a memory like mine, CSJ=Cocksucking Jagoff=my ex-husband, AKA-The Sperm Donor.) The first thing he shrieked at me when I answered the phone at 6am was that Stud was sick, and he just "coughed up a yellow golf ball!" Yeah, nice, right? Apparently, at some point the day before, my son saw the school nurse, who told him he had an upper-respiratory infection. Well, Father-of-the-Year decided he needed to rush him to the doctor's office. He bullied his way (literally!) into being seen, and turns out Stud was diagnosed with severe bronchitis and a sinus infection. He was given two different prescriptions and sent on his merry way. CSJ actually took the rest of the day off to stay home with him. Naturally, he wanted a fuckin' medal for it, too! Who the hell does he think took care of Stud for the past 15 1/2 years?! This is the FIRST time he's EVER taken ANY time off because his son was sick. But, to hear him tell it, he should be given an award! Ugh!

OK, I'm already boring myself with this story, so suffice it to say, I ended up taking Wed-Fri off to stay home with Stud. I knew I'd have to take Thursday off, since Stud needed to go back for a follow-up visit smack in the middle of the day. Wednesday, he was still really feeling lousy, so I'm glad I stayed home with him. Friday, well Friday was just a little bonus. The doctor told me Thursday that Stud couldn't return to school until Monday, so I figured, what the heck, I'll stay home with him. I also may or may not have been having a Pampered Chef party Friday night, and I may or may not have needed some extra time to clean, shop and cook.

The Pampered Chef party was a freakin' blast!! I wish you could have all come. My PC lady is an old friend, and she loves doing shows for me because I own everything in the catalog. She never really has to bring anything with her, other than whatever new items have come out since my last party. I am a bit obsessed with PC. I used to be a consultant, I love it so much. But, then I threw CSJ out, and needed to get a "real" job to support myself and my baby. But, I still have shows every 6 months, as that's when the new items come out. Every March and September, like clockwork! I'm able to get the new things for free, so it's awesome!

The past couple of years, the PC parties have turned into drunken kitchen fests, much to my PC friend's dismay, I'm sure! But, making a pitcher of martinis is such a GREAT way to show off the Quick-Stir Pitcher! This party was no exception. This time it was a pitcher of mango martinis, which happens to be one of our top-selling martinis here at the bar. Yummy!!

The last drunken fool, I mean friend, left around 2:30am. It was a great party! I can't wait to do it again. It'll be sometime in September, so if any of you are going to be visiting Chicago in September, let me know!! ;-)

Last weekend was a busy one at the bar. It's almost a good thing that my party kept me up so late on Friday night, because I slept in Saturday, and was more rested than usual by the time I got to the bar. Usually, I'm up around 6:30ish on Saturdays, so by Saturday night, I'm dying. When I get home at 6am on Sunday morning, I've usually been up for nearly 24 hours.

Anyway, Saturday was a busy night, then we had another private party on Sunday (3rd one in a month!) which went later than we had hoped. Instead of getting home in time to watch Desperate Housewives, I didn't even pick Stud up at his grandma's until nearly 10:30. Then, the real fun began...

I was about 1/2 mile from home, approaching the major intersection near my home, when I decided I was too hungry to go to sleep and that I was going to get Arby's. As I was moving into the left-turn lane, I hit a freakin' crater the size of the Grand Canyon!!! (If you aren't lucky enough to live here in ChiTown, you may not be aware of our pothole situation.) INSTANTLY, my tire was gone! I thought I was going to wet my pants. Luckily, I was able to get back over, out of the turning lane, and proceed through the intersection. I turned into the shopping center on the corner, and got out to survey the damage. I can NOT believe I didn't take a picture to share with you! My rim looked like a pie that someone had cut a slice out of! I didn't know what the heck to do at first. We could have easily walked home, as it was only about 6 blocks, but I was afraid to leave my car in the Lowe's parking lot. I figured with my luck, it would be towed.

I called my daddy, of course, but he was already in bed. I told my mom not to bother him, and then called my sister. I thought maybe her boyfriend was around. In the meantime, my mom completely disregarded my request, and got my dad out of bed. At some point, Stud Muffin said he thought maybe he could change the tire himself. I figured, what the heck, it's better than just standing here, right? Plus, once I knew my dad was coming, I figured he could talk Stud through it. Next thing I know, my sister calls to say that she and her boyfriend are on their way. I tried to call my dad to tell him to stay home, but he had already left. He pulled in the lot as I was talking to my mom. (My parents only live about 20 blocks from me.)

By the time my dad got there, Stud and I had gotten the spare and the jack out of the trunk, so my dad put the jack under the car, and Stud started pumping. A few minutes later, my sister arrives, and her boyfriend takes over. He was having a hell of a time getting the tire off because the bolts were sort of rusted on, but it wasn't anything he couldn't handle. (Did I mention that her boyfriend is about 6'6", 330+lbs, ex-football player? Yeah, picture the dad from The Incredibles, and that's him. Literally. He looks exactly like him.)

The tire is loose now, but Mr. Incredible notices that the car still really isn't off the ground, despite the fact that Stud has been going at it for about 10 minutes. He looks over and freaks. Apparently, my dad hadn't placed the jack where it belonged, and instead of lifting the car, Stud managed to jack the car frame up into a lovely divot! I thought I was gonna lose it! How the HELL did he not see what he was doing?!?! Ughhhh!!! Of course, my dad took full responsibility, but still, come on! Pay attention to what you're doing!!

Mr. Incredible lowered the jack, sort of fixed the frame (he pulled down on the fiberglass, which is now completely unattached, but the dent is hardly noticeable!!) and took the tire off. He got the donut on, only to realize that it had no air. Of course! But, don't despair, I have an air compressor in the trunk. (I had a slow leak in one of my tires for years. I used to have to pump it up at least once a week!) He hooks it up, lets it run for a few minutes, and says we're good to go. We were going to go across the street to the gas station to fill it up properly.

Everyone gets back in their cars, we start to pull away, and my dad starts beeping like crazy to tell me the tire is flat. WTF!!? We figure the only thing to do is try to make it across the street. We make a caravan with my sister in front, me in the middle, and my dad in the rear. All three of us had our flashers on, and basically went about 5 mph to the gas station. If you've been paying attention, you'll know that the story can't end that easily, right? We make it over to the air compressor, only to find out that they remove the damn hose at night!! REALLY!?!? I seriously almost started crying.

The decision was made to try and just take our caravan down the main street to the next gas station, which was about a mile up the street. Picture that, will ya? We finally made it, Mr. Incredible filled the tire, and we were on our way. My dad followed me to his house, both of us still going about 10 mph with our flashers on, so that I could get my mom's car, as I certainly didn't want to be driving to the ghetto the next day on a donut! By the time my head hit the pillow, it was nearly 1am! I was already feeling sorry for my babies the next day.

The next day, I call my mom from school to let her know I was on my way to pick her up so I could drop my car off at my mechanic's. Stud had Anime Club for an hour after school, so I figured we had plenty of time. I get to my mom's, she gets in her car, I get in mine, and we take off. I didn't want to take any chances, so I put the flashers on, and tried not to go over 15-20 mph. Trust me, it was not appreciated by my fellow drivers. We were very nearly there when suddenly I HIT ANOTHER FUCKING POTHOLE!!!!!!

The tire instantly went flat. AGAIN! Luckily, I was about 20 feet from an entrance to a strip mall, so I pulled in, and called my mechanic. Through my sobs, I told him what happened. He tried to calm me down (the poor guy!) and said I should just keep driving, real slow, to the garage. I told him the tire was completely flat and his answer was, "Fuck it, it's the donut, who cares?" So, I managed to turn around, go back out onto the busy main street, and I literally idled for about 3 miles. The whole time, I could hear the metal of the rim grinding into the ground. It's a good thing I never even hit 10 mph because I could hardly see through my tears.

In case you've fallen asleep, we're still on Monday, folks. About an hour and a half after I got home, Billy, my mechanic from Heaven, called to tell me he was done! He was able to pound out my rim, and the donut's rim, and everything was hunky dory! But, I need to get new wheel covers as the one on the flat had been destroyed (plus about a month ago, I was hit by a kid, and it ruined my back cover) so he was going to get me a set of 4 new covers. He said they would be there the next day. Yay! When all was said and done, the whole ordeal cost me less than $80. I know, I can't believe it, either. Oh, and Stud ended up getting picked up by The Girl's mom, as there was NO WAY I was going to make it to his school in time. He was thrilled, to say the least ;-)

Maybe now you have a little insight into why I felt the need to post on Monday about what made me smile that day. It was truly a day from hell! As much as I'd love to fill you in on the rest of the week, I'm afraid I've lost all of you at this point, so I'm going to take a bit of a break. Plus, I stole a martini recipe from TGIFriday's the other day that I'm dying to try, so maybe after I drink it (!) I'll type a little more! (You've all been given fair warning!)


Pissed Off said...

The drinks are the only thing that could get me to one of those parties and I love PC stuff! (Just hate the parites!)

C said...

awwww my poor chichi girl... whatta fucking palarva! you poor thing. at least all is well now but i would say for a bad day you sure had a great one! that should cover you for the rest of the year now, right?
happy mudder's day, cheech.


M said...

Oh thank goodness for PC parties to look forward to! Wish you lived closer cuz you could have partied on Saturday night too!

Once in college and a hundred years ago at my old job I had margarita Tupperware parties...the women selling were not impressed because no one listened to their speal...but I sure sold a lot.

Happy Mother's Day!!

jlo said...

I'm exhausted. Glad you are okay now!!

Anonymous said...

I grew up in a Chicago bungalow. Those things are tiny. LOL
Glad you're ok. Bad car karma, BE GONE!
And I had a PC party a week ago; I have now replaced all my pots and pans thanks to their generous hostess program. LOL

KBL 2 ORD 2 SAN 2 LUV said...

"Thanks to PC Parties, no one drinks alone." Ha! Laura would love that one.;-)

Ok, seriously, as awful and stressful as your ordeal was, reading about it sounded like a hysterical comedy. I loved it! You write incredibly well and I love the speed at which you plow through the plot. I literally feel exhausted at the end of this post. Awesome!

I'm glad things worked out though. Happy Mother's Day!