Suz, start rolling your eyes....

...cuz I'm doing this.  Again.

The first time I ever participated in NaBloPoMo was in November 2010.  Since then, I've done it several more times, sometimes several months in a row.

As you well know, I've been a bit absent from the Blogosphere for the past 7 months or so.  I miss my Bloggy Buddies.  I check in when I can, and/or when I feel up to it.  I lurk here and there, sometimes even dropping a comment or two.  But, I'm nowhere near the place I used to be when it comes to my blog.  There is just too much going on in my life, and I let this blog get pushed to the back burner, because I told myself it was the least of my concerns right now. 

But, I've had a change of heart recently.  One of the main reasons I STARTED this blog was to have an outlet, a place to vent and share the "crazy" before it made me implode.  I realize I need to start doing that again.  Yes, my life is crazier and more stressful than it's EVER been, but I can't let that keep my away anymore.  I need to start spewing some of it before I lose it. 

I probably won't be sharing every little detail, the way I have in the past, because now it's not just about me, and I have to respect the privacy of others. (Hi, Honey!)  But, I plan to share what I can.  One of the reasons I stopped sharing is because I did NOT want to be a Debbie Downer.  I didn't want to be "that" poster who only posted complaints and sob stories.  But, then I thought back on some of the posts I've done in the past when I had hit rough patches, and it was the love and support of my Bloggy Buddies that pulled me through those dark times.  I think I need that again.

So, I've committed to NaBloPoMo for November!  Yay!  I'm going to go on record right now and say that some days, I may just post a picture, or a silly ecard.  But, I WILL post something, anything, every day.  I'll also warn you that many of those posts will probably be about my beautiful little Monkey.  I mean, come on, I haven't bored you with pictures and stories about her in AGES!  You won't believe how big she's gotten.  She's not a baby anymore. =(  I have LOTS of cute stories saved up for you.  =)

I'll leave you with a bit of good news from today - Stud got a job this morning!!  Hallelujah!  He starts his new job under the Golden Arches on Wednesday.  (During my hiatus, he had, and then lost, a job at Culver's.  Maybe I'll post about it one day...)  Hopefully, I'll have more little nuggets of happy news to share this month.  Keep your fingers crossed....

I'm afraid...

...that something is bothering Stud...

Imagine hanging on to a cliff.
Imagine that you have only one arm holding yourself up.
You feel your arm stretching and being stressed by your weight.
You glance down at the seemingly bottomless void beneath you.
You sense the abyss calling to you, telling you to fade away into it.
You shouldn't die tired after all.
You can taste the sweat upon your reddened face, cooling you as the panic of your certain death finally dawns on you.
You know that there is no point in trying, you know how it will end.
You know that you cannot possibly last any longer hanging.
You can hear your fingers throb with pain as they cannot hold you.
You are hopeless, a soon to be memory of existence, nothing you do will matter or make any difference.
You know your fate is inevitable.
You come to peace with it.
You realize you were a fool for trying to hang on, that it was an impulse; a reaction.
You can let go now, there is no sense of wasting effort in attempting to change what will soon happen to you.
You have no control.
You relax and let go.
You are ended.

Or.

You find the reason why.
You can spit at the ground, pull yourself up, and tell inevitability to go fuck itself.
You didn't grab the edge to slow your fall.
You grabbed the edge because if you die, goddamn it, you're gonna die standing up.
You go over that cliff, it's because you fucking jumped.
You decide when it happens and on that day; the ground better get out of your way.
Imagine if you found a reason to hold on.
Imagine if that one reason was more important that anything else.

Brain dump...

I went to breakfast this morning with my mom, brother and Monkey.  The restaurant we were at has very crammed (or is it cramped?) seating (one of the many reasons I don't like the place, but it's where my brother picked to go).  When we were getting up to leave, the two ladies at the table next to us realized that we were not going to be able to get out.  They started to move, and I was telling them not to worry about it, since we would just move the table over (since that's how we got in in the first place!)  The one woman closest to us tried to scoot over a bit, and the other woman, with a smile, says to ME, "Ok, there.  You're not big, you can get through." 

Let me repeat that - "YOU'RE NOT BIG, you can get through."

It took a minute for what she said to register, and then another minute to realize she was, indeed, speaking to ME.  Needless to say, I almost bent over a planted a kiss on her face.  Then I had to fight back the tears.  I have NEVER had anyone say something like that to me. 

In my head, I still look the same as I did almost 85 lbs ago.  I'm caught off guard, almost on a daily basis, by my new size.  Whether it's squeezing through a tight space, or realizing I no longer spill over the sides of a seat, or when I'm folding laundry and can't believe these "tiny" clothes are mine.  I'm constantly surprised.

This past Saturday, I went to work with my sister for the first time.  She works for Coty/Prestige, and long story short, I was one of those annoying perfume sprayers at Carson's.  They needed the extra help because they were launching a new fragrance.  Because of that, the sprayers had to wear T-shirts with the name of the fragrance.  My first question to my sister was, "What's the biggest sized shirt you have?"  She handed me a large and an extra-large.  Naturally, I tried on the XL, thinking it was going to be snug.  This time last year, I was sporting a 3X.  Plus, my sister (my tall, thin, gorgeous sister!) said she was wearing a large.

Well, after I put it on, my sister said, "No, try the large on, that's too big on you."  What?!  Sure enough, it fit.  I'm still a little amazed by that, and it happened 4 days ago.

The last few times I've gone shopping, it's been so strange, so foreign, to me to be able to just grab something off the "normal" rack, AND have it fit.  Truthfully, I don't know if I'll ever get used to it.  I don't know if I ever WANT to get used to it.  It kind of keeps me on my toes.

Every once in a while, I'll snap a picture in the mirror after I get dressed, just so I can track my progress.  I always think I look smaller when I look in the mirror, than when I look at the picture, so there really must be something to that "the camera adds 10 lbs" thing.  Either way, I'm pretty damn happy with what I see.

I don't EVER want to be her again...

I'm trying to get used to being her...

I still have a long way to go.  But, I'm not beating myself up over the fact that I've basically been maintaining for the past 6 months, as opposed to losing.  Things around here have been beyond stressful, which has a lot to do with my not being around lately.  Unfortunately, 2013 turning out to be a craptastic year for us.  I've been a "stress eater" my entire life, and I'm a little amazed that I haven't gained 100 lbs these past 6 months.  Truthfully, that's how I found myself at the size I was last year.  Those of you who have been around a while know how stressful my job was, as well as the other things in my life that stressed me out.  If I'm going to be completely honest, I'm still dealing with some of those stressors, but I'm starting to get a better handle on how to deal with them.  Like I said, I'm happy to just be maintaining right now.

I hope things get back to "normal" soon.  I miss my Bloggy Buddies.  I lurk when I can, which isn't often.  Thanks to my Bloggy Buddies who keep checking in with me, and letting me know they care.  It really means the world to me.