Thursday, September 30, 2010

Just a little teacher humor...

Thanks, Tiff, for letting me steal this right off your blog!! Hey, in less than 4 days, we'll be raisin' some hell together! Woo hoo!

Email of the Day

Men Are Just Happier People



NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.


EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.




THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Email of the Day

I don't know why this made me giggle, but it did.

10 Misconceptions of Moms and Back-to-School


Misconception Number 1: Moms miss their kids when they go back to school.
Seriously. I've had enough of you by now. Every morning with the "what are we going to do today, Mom?" is finally over. I've had looked at your face twenty-four seven for the last 77 days. It's time to go learn something. No more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you can stay up late and watch a movie. It's over..You're going back to Hogwarts and I get to have a life again. There is a Christmas morning for parents and it's
called "back to school".

Misconception Number 2: Moms like to go school shopping.
Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I pay taxes? So I can rack up a 200 dollar bill at Staples for crap that we have laying around my house in junk drawers? Why does it have to be new pencils? What's wrong with the chewed up, broken Strawberry Shortcake pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box for the last 6 months? And how many subject books can you possibly need? What happened to reading, writing and arithmetic? If they added a couple of things for parents to that list I wouldn't mind so much..why not pencils, erasers and vodka ...or some Nyquil?

Misconception Number 3: Moms like back to school night.
Why must we do this every year? I got it already. You're the teacher. I’m the parent. My kid is either going to be smart or dumb. If he gets a certain number or colored dot on his discipline chart, he can't get a prize from the prize box. Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I'm pretty old school. If he doesn't listen to you. you can throw something at him. I don't care. But I got a lot of work to do at home and I'm paying a babysitter right now. Plus, I'm pretty sure you are going to assign some project on wigwams made by some Indian tribe I've never heard of, so I need to get home and start my research. So, I got it. We're all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah Blah. Can I leave now?

Misconception Number 4: Moms like school paperwork.
How many trees are you planning on killing to tell me the same stuff I had to pay a babysitter to listen to the other night? You know our name, where we live and our emergency phone numbers. He doesn't have a nickname..call him "stink butt" for all I care. We don't have any "special circumstances" that you need to know about. He lives in a home with two parents who may or may not like each other at any given time and they will fight. If that qualifies as a reason he can't get his homework done on time then he won't be able to function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to "educate" him on that life lesson.

Misconception Number 5: Moms like covering books in that annoying sticky
paper.
What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to cover them in a plastic laminate? Do you often teach in the rain? Or while the children are drinking soda and eating soup? Do you know how long that takes? Has any parent in the history of education been able to do it without any air bubbles in it? From now on I'm covering it the old way. brown paper bags. That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches at that same time. Who says moms can't multitask?

PS. Please tell my son if he can't find his lunch to look in his science book.


Misconception Number 6: Moms like helping you with your homework.
What? I am scared out of my mind. I'm pretty sure that I forgot everything I learned in fifth grade by the time I was in sixth grade. I have no idea what you are talking about most days. I don't really know my 12 times tables, I read the cliff notes to all your summer reading and I don't know how to conjugate anything but I do know that song "conjunction junction what's your function" if that helps at all.

And please don't even say the words "new math" to me.

What the heck was wrong the old one?

Misconception Number 7: Moms can't wait to pack your lunch every day until
we die.
I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bane of my existence, so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of "mom fun", lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs teeth and scheduling my annual pap smear. Listen, as a child I hated what my mom packed me for lunch. But, like every kid before me, and every generation to come you will find a kid to trade with. I’m sure someone likes sardines.

Misconception Number 8: Moms love after school activities.
I don't know who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they should be the ones in charge of carting your ass around. Don't get me wrong. I'm not against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it during hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn't at 8:30 at night followed by 4 hours of homework. Why not do it on the weekends and call it "after-hours activities" so mommy and daddy could actually go out one night and pretend that we have a life of our own. Don't worry about us though I'm sure that me and "what's his name" will be married a very long time.

Misconception Number 9: Moms don't mind taking you to school if you miss the
bus
Your bus comes at 7:10 am..which means that you should be standing by the door at 7:05 am. Not eating breakfast , chasing the dog around the house or in the bathroom, asking me to check your homework while I'm taking a shower. Get it together! I don't like running down the street in my jammies at 7:12 screaming "Please wait" or "If you stop I'll show you my boobies."


Misconception Number 10: Moms cry on your first day of school.
We do cry but they are tears of joy. I have done my job. I have successfully kept a human child alive for at least 5 years without doing any major damage. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!! Sure, doctors save lives and CEO's run million dollar businesses but. You teach a kid not to poop their pants and then you can say you've made the world a better place.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

My Night with The Boys

What a glorious way to start my vacation....when I woke up this morning (about 6:30ish) the temperature outside was in the mid-to-low 50s. Woo hoo!!! Even now, as I sit here typing in front of my open window, there's a delightful breeze blowing in, helping me to enjoy the fact that it's still only 56. Me thinks it's going to be a wonderful day....

So, last night, I didn't exactly do "nothing" all night. I did enjoy about two hours of "nothing", but then it was time to take care of some Mommy things. Well, ok, I guess that would be Mom things, since Stud is almost (gasp!) 17. WTF?! When did THAT happen!? But, I digress...

I was asked to be part of a caravan that would be taking the Drama Club to see their director in a play last night. The original plan was to have Stud, his Best Friend, and one other friend drive with us. We were going to leave about 30 minutes early, and stop at this awesome new pizza place about 3 blocks from school to grab a quick dinner first. Well, of course, that's NOT what happened. At the last minute, one of Stud's other close friends was granted permission to come with us, but I had to pick him up. So much for dinner. That extra half hour was exactly what it took to pick up his friend and get back to school. Oh, well.

The play was actually pretty good, the kids all enjoyed themselves, and their director was really happy to see them. I was so happy for him because he had a HUGE group there to support him. We brought about 15 kids, plus the 4 adults who drove, and he had other friends and family there.

Luckily, the play ended a little earlier than we had anticipated, so you know what that meant....PIZZA! We went to my new favorite place and I don't know how I even managed to eat because the boys had me laughing the whole time. They really are a sweet group of boys. The sweetest part to me is that they weren't even embarrassed to be sitting there with ME, even though the pizza place was FULL of teenagers, some from their school.

They did have one moment of "Ewwww...I forgot how gross boys can be!" When we pulled up to the pizza place, the boys saw an abandoned couch at the far end of the parking lot. They ran over to check it out (who the hell knows why!) and then ran back over to me so we could go in. However, they did ask me if I would take their picture on the couch after we ate. Ummm...okay...gross! But, ok.

So, after we ate, they ran over to the couch, but decided they needed to move it, because it was too dark to take a picture. They ended up running all around the parking lot with this stupid couch. And, instead of being a decent mother, and controlling my children, I just sat in my car laughing because they looked so ridiculous! They finally decided on the perfect spot, right under one of the giant lights in the parking lot. Dorks!!

Um, yes, that would be them jumping on the couch, uh-huh....hey, I TOLD you, I'm on vacation! That means I get to be carefree and irresponsible, right? Oh, come on, they weren't hurting anyone. And they were cracking me up! I must have taken 20 pictures of them. (Ok, full disclosure - If I had seen someone ELSE'S kids doing this, my first thought would have been "What the HELL are those brats doing, and where the HELL are their parents?!?")

After the goofballs all got back into the car, and we started driving, Stud says, "Ok, does anyone else feel the immediate need to take a shower?" He's always been a bit of a germaphobe. (I have no idea how to spell that word. Is that even a word?)

Ok, I smell that my coffee is ready, so I think I'm going to fill my biggest mug, then take it and a magazine out to my hammock. Ahhhh.....vacation......

Friday, September 24, 2010

It's 2:45 on September 24....

...I'M ON VACATION, BITCHES!!!!

(I'll be back with a 'real' post later, cuz right now, I'm gonna do NOTHING!)

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

CRAP!!

Ok, first let me say that I realize there are people with real problems in the world. Hell, I have a few REAL problems of my own that I should be dealing with, but right now, I prefer to bury my head in the sand. Just call my Olivia the Ostrich. Anyway, here's my dilemma at the moment:

What the hell am I going to watch tonight!?

WHY do all the shows I love have to start the same week? Now, I know I can watch all of these online tomorrow, so it's not like I'm really going to miss anything. However, it's still bugging me that DWTS is going to be on at the same time as the glee premier. Crapsicles!

I think I'm going to watch glee "live" and then watch DWTS tomorrow. I know I can find out who gets eliminated by watching the news, but I like to watch the musical guests. I'm pretty sure Santana is performing tonight, and I LOVE me some Santana!!!

Thankfully, I'll be able to watch this at it's usual time. I've been meaning to post about this show for the past week or so. I just discovered it last week, when NBC aired a full night of Parenthood. I never watched it during the regular season, but now I'm totally hooked!! I went online and watched all the episode available, but I was bummed because it was only the last 6. I just may have to rent Season 1 at some point to see what I missed. I did see the season premier last week, and I'm glad I'll be able to watch it this season. Anybody out there a fan?

I realized when I went to the NBC website to lift that photo that I'm also going to miss the season premier of The Biggest Loser. Poop. I think I just may have to let that one go this season. Especially since my usual MO is to sit and EAT while I watch it anyway!! Oy!

OK, guess I'd better go pop some popcorn for my very FULL night of mindless television. WOO HOO! glee starts tonight!!! Guess I'll miss Margaret Cho getting booted. ;-)

***update***
(Yeah, cuz I really DO think you give a rat's ass about this!)
The universe it working with me here tonight. Turns out that the first hour of DWTS was a repeat of yesterday's show. So, while I was thoroughly enjoying glee just now (woo hoo!) I didn't miss a thing! And, as soon as I clicked over to ABC, they introduced Santana, who I ADORE!!! So far, so good. Once I watch Margaret get dumped, I can switch to NBC to watch Parenthood. All is good in ChiTown.... ;-)

***update 2***
WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! Margaret was just saved from elimination as I was clicking 'publish' for the first update. Seriously?! I guess it's The Situation that's getting the boot then, huh? Although, it's between him and The Hoff, so that's a pretty close call. The Hoff will get the 'old folks' vote, but The Situation may have an advantage since the youngsters may be inclined to vote for him. I have no idea. Oops, gotta go, Adam Carolla is on!!!

Yo, Mother Nature!!

Did you NOT get the memo about today being THE FIRST FREAKIN' DAY OF FALL!?!?!

Would you care to explain to me why, after a two glorious weeks of daytime temps in the low 70s and nighttime temps in the 50s (JOY!), the day of the autumnal equinox saw temps in the mother scratchin' 90s?!!!?

Screw you, Mother Nature, screw you.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Homecoming 2010

Well, here were The Boys freshman year. Pretty cute, right?
Then, here was last year. His best friend didn't go to the dance last year.
And, this was last night. They're so silly!
A couple of solo shots. I wish his hair photographed better. He did a bit of a faux-hawk on himself, which actually looked much cuter in real life. His friends, including the boys, all told him how cool his hair looked.

You may recall that these three have gone to school together since grade school. The one in the middle is considerably smaller than Stud, so they decided to try and make him look taller by letting him hang off their shoulders. It almost works!
Then Stud decided maybe he should just squat. Yeah...not really working....
Here's what they really look like together.
This is his date. They're just friends, hence the awkward posing. :)

The Boys

The Girls

The Couples

The Clown Car!
I was cracking up at how my girlfriend decided she could squeeze 9 people into her van made for 7. Whatever, they managed to fit, and that meant I didn't have to drive. Thanks, Deb!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Warning - MAJOR cuteness ahead!

How freakin' cute are these two?!!? My "sister-in-law" (aka, my brother's on-again-off-again girlfriend of the past 10 1/2 years!!) became an auntie to these two gorgeous babies just over a month ago (Aug. 12) Meet Abby and Ryan. This picture is just so damn adorable, I had to share it with the world. God, I love me some babies!!!

Had to share....

Man, I hope you can click on this to enlarge it. I quickly took this photo this morning when Stud showed me his completed Art H homework. The assignment was to make a drawing using ONE continuous line. I was blown away by this. It's just so cool. I challenged him on the curly-cues, but he explained that he drew the curl, then traced back over it to move to the next one, which was acceptable. His pencil just could not leave the paper. I'm so glad he was able to get into this class this year. He's loving it.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Woo-to-the-freakin'-Hoo!!

I just booked a trip for my fall intersession. And, here's the coolest part....I'm going to see Tiffany and her handsome husband, Ben. Woo hoo!!!!! I'm so excited to be meeting them in person. I know many of you understand when I say it's so weird how you can develop friendships via the Blogosphere. I literally feel like we're friends already, even though we've never even spoken to each other. We've been emailing, and obviously commenting on each other's blogs, for quite a while now, so I feel like we really know each other. Is that crazy?

You know what, I don't care if it is! All I know is that from Oct. 4-7, we're going to be tearing it up in Louisville! I'm so excited! Tiffany, God bless her, already emailed me about a couple of places she wants to take me. I have a feeling this trip is going to be a gastronomical wonderland. :)

Oo, maybe I should make a ticker to count down to my trip....

Our Newest Addition

You may recall that last Thursday, CF made a delightful discovery in our fish tank. I finally got around to taking some video of Rosie. I tried for a LONG time to capture a picture of her, but I just couldn't do it. I'm sure it's because I have a pretty cheap camera. I couldn't get the camera to focus as closely as I needed to get a good shot of Rosie, since she's SO small. Today was her 1 Week Birthday (woo hoo!) and she's now almost as big as a grain of rice. Our little girl is getting so big! ;-)

She's so damn small, you can barely tell where the hell she is in this poor quality video. She tends to stay very low, at the bottom of the tank, among the pebbles. I captured a few shots of the "big" guppies, and I was hoping to get a shot of Rosie next to one of them, just for size comparison, but she was not cooperating. I put one of our white boards behind the tank, hoping to get a better shot of her, but the whole thing was hopeless.

So, on that note, enjoy the 48 (grainy/blurry) seconds of Rosie's debut!

You can call me Al...

I received yet another new student this morning. (Did I mention I got 2 yesterday?) The funny thing is, I had one transfer out at the end of the day yesterday, and couple last week, so I'm still at 23. Thank you, Jesus!

This new boy is the cutest little thing I've ever seen. He has blond hair, blue eyes, freckles....yep, he's Caucasian! I know I'll NEVER lose him a crowd at the Hell-Hole. He glows like a beacon in the night! He is the first Caucasian student I've ever had at the Hell-Hole. Now that I think of it, he may be the only one I've EVER seen there.

Anyway, this cutey has an unusual first name. It's Curtlan. Unfortunately for him, his teacher's brain has slowly been turning to mush over the years, and I don't think I called him the right name all morning. I called him Cultin, Coltin, Coltrin, Curlan, and so on. Finally, after the 99th time that I called him the wrong name, he ever-so-sweetly said to me, "You know, Mrs. L, some people just call me CJ." I literally laughed out loud! What a smart boy! CJ it is!!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I'm gonna miss that little booger....

Remember my Little Stalker, DS? Oh, I'm just kidding! I think his crush is adorable. Actually, I'm afraid I may be losing some of my pull. After finishing my DIBELS, Reading 3D AND mClass math testing (WTH!? When are we supposed to do any TEACHING!?) I saw that DS scored off the charts on all 3 tests. It was really after I tested him in math that I was blown away by his abilities.

The math series that we use at the Hell-Hole (and most other CPS schools) SUCKS MAJOR DONKEY ASS, in my humble opinion. It prepares them for nothing. It basically has them playing games and singing songs all day. Now, don't get me wrong, you KNOW I'm all for singing songs. But, this particular program has no real substance, as far as I'm concerned. And, I see absolutely no correlation between what's done in Kdg. and what they need to be able to do in 1st. I knew that before I made the move to 1st.

OK, so what the hell does all this have to do with DS, you may ask. After testing him in math last week, I went to New Principal to ask about maybe moving him to 2nd grade. Sounds radical, I know, but believe me, he's just as ready as the kids who started 2nd grade this year, if not more so. His birthday just missed the cut-off, which here in Chicago is Sept. 1. His birthday is Sept. 5. Four stinkin' days!!

At first, New Principal said there was no way we could move him because of the birth date. So then I asked if he could go upstairs to the second grade class for reading. You might remember that he already did that last year, going across the hall to 1st grade for reading. Then, I figured, what the hell, let's see how far I can take this. I asked if he could also go for math. This is REALLY the area where he is light years ahead of the other children. (Just to simplify the scoring system, the children can fall into red, yellow or green, with red being the lowest, green the highest. DS is the ONLY child who scored green in all areas. As a matter of fact, only one other child scored green in ONE category out of the six that are tested. Yikes!)

Surprisingly, New Principal said yes. Great! I talked to my friend, Mrs. F. (who you may remember had a baby back in November. She just returned this week from maternity leave.) and she was more than happy to let DS come up to her class. We decided we would start this week. Monday morning, he came in with my class from the playground, but immediately asked about going upstairs. He was totally pumped for this new adventure. He went up to 2nd grade, and I never saw him again! He stayed for the whole day! As a matter of fact, Mrs. F's class has lunch at the same time that we do, so I just assumed he would come back and eat with us, but instead, he grabbed his tray and walked into the other lunchroom to eat with the 2nd graders. I gotta tell ya, I was a tiny bit hurt. Ridiculous, right?

Yesterday, I never even saw him!! The primary teachers had a morning meeting, which made us late for picking up our classes outside, so I didn't see him outside. I had to ask Mrs. F. later in the day if he was even at school! Today, I at least saw him on the playground this morning, but he went upstairs first thing, and never looked back. I think he likes it up there. Whatta you think?

I gotta tell you, the whole dynamic of my class has changed. Most of the other babies looked to him for what to do. They waited for him to answer first, read words first, say the date first, etc. And, I've lost my little secretary! He used to so many jobs for me, since it was one of the only ways to keep him busy. He collected the morning writing papers, stamping the incomplete papers with the "incomplete" stamper. He passed out supplies, set up centers, took messages, and so on. He practically took attendance for me!

I'll be curious to see which of the other babies step up and try just a little harder now that DS isn't there to do the "heavy lifting" anymore.

I miss my Little Stalker.... :(

I'm not sure which makes me happier...

...the fact that my weather widget says 60, or that my countdown to fall intersession ticker is now in the single digits. Hmmm....it's a pretty close call....

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Email of the Day

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes...'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed...
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
__________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's perfect."

And then the fight started...

Thanks, C! This was the perfect way to start my day!!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Email of the Day

Ok, this little nugget was in my inbox before 8am. Most of you (at least my teacher friends) have seen the first part before. But, I've never seen the second part. Kinda funny....



Teachers & Cops:

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Email of the Day 2

My Bloggy Buddy, dkuroiwa, sent me this great music video today. It's by The Penguins!!! And, on a funny note, the first song on my wedding video is Earth Angel! It plays during the part where I'm getting dressed and ready for the wedding. Too funny! Thanks, D!

Email of the Day

I swear to God, this HAS to be a parent from the Hell-Hole!!!

Randomness...

-Stud Muffin brought home some papers this afternoon from his counselor. Luckily, I had already listened to my phone messages, so I knew to expect them. His counselor wants to make a switch in his schedule to move him up a level in math. He and Stud's teacher feel that Stud is bored in the class he's in now, and the move would provide more of a challenge for him. The downside-he'll have to drop the Honors Art class that he's been waiting 2 years to take. Oh, and he won't have lunch until 7th period, which is one period before the end of the day. We'll have to do some serious talking about this move over the weekend.
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-New Principal PISSED me off today to the point where I'm still too pissed to even post about it. It seems like this entire year is just going to be one thing after another that's going to piss me off. I think it's all part of her master plan to get me to leave. (I know, I know, I still haven't posted about all this crap that started way back in June. However, I'm trying to cut down on the number of f-bombs I drop here, cuz Suz doesn't like them. ;-) )

-The weather here could NOT be any more perfect. As soon as I hit 'publish' I'm going to go lay my fat ass in my hammock for a while. Maybe I'll start reading one of the books from my summer stack that I never got to read.
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-My sister turned 40 on Wednesday (Happy Birthday, Sissy!) and her friends from work are throwing her a surprise party on Sunday. My mom and I are invited. The funniest thing is that the woman who is hosting the party at her house told my sister about the party the day they decided to have it. "Ok, don't tell the other girls I told you, but we're having a surprise party for your 40th birthday. So, just act surprised." That was about a month ago. At this point, the other girls know she knows that there's a party, but they've kept every detail of the party a secret, right down to the menu. That's making it really difficult for me to decide what to make to bring with me. I decided to just make a couple of things I know my sister likes.
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-My mom's birthday was yesterday. (Happy Birthday, Mommy!) It was a bitter-sweet day, to say the least. I don't think it's still completely set in that my aunt is gone. We're already dreading the holidays, as that's probably when it's going to hit us full-force.
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-A girl in my class made an awesome discovery yesterday. There was a baby guppy in our aquarium! The funniest thing is that this particular girl is kinda blind as a bat, and is supposed to wear glasses, although she almost never has them. The baby guppy is seriously smaller than a grain of rice right now, so I don't know HOW the HELL she saw it! When she discovered it yesterday, she yelled out, "There's a baby fish!!!" I was quite confused, and came to look, but didn't see a thing. Naturally, I thought she was crazy, but she kept on insisting. Finally, I saw what looked like a tiny piece of fish food floating around. I really had to focus to tell that it was actually a fish. I don't think that there's normally only ONE fish born (hatched?) but I think what may have happened is that the snail we had (it bit the dust last week) may have eaten the rest of the eggs, and only this one, lone egg survived. (Sounds a bit like Nemo, doesn't it?) Maybe someone out there actually knows something about the life cycle of guppies, and would like to give me some info. It's quite obvious that I know NOTHING about this subject. Anyway, in honor of the fish being born on my mother's birthday, we named it Rosie. :)

-Finally, my Bloggy Buddy, Karen, bestowed this delightful award upon me yesterday. Thanks, Karen!
The Versatile Blogger Award
► Acknowledge the award and thank and link back to the person bestowing it. A good way to do this is through a post such as this.
► Pass on the award to 15 other bloggers: (in no particular order)
Tracey
ModernMom
Tiffany
Katy
Jen
dkuroiwa
Susan
Persnickety Ticker
The Girl Next Door
C
Jo
Heather
JLo
Clippy Mat
Pissed Off
(Suz, I originally tagged you, but then saw that Karen already did when she tagged me, so I gave you a break.)
► Let the new recipients know you've selected them.
► Share seven things about yourself that your readers or followers might not know. (See "Seven Bits," below.)
► Post the badge to your blog.

Seven Bits
  1. Although I've wanted to be a kindergarten teacher since I was IN kindergarten, when I started jr. high, and started taking French, I decided that I wanted to be an interpreter at the UN. I took French for two years in jr. high, then continued in high school. I also took 3 years of Spanish in high school, as well as two more years in college. I've (obviously!) been immersed in Italian my entire life. Now, can any of you explain to me why I can't speak ANY of these languages?! I like to say I understand Italian fluently (cuz I do!) but I couldn't get a word out of my mouth to save my life! I have spoken more Spanish, and even French, then I ever have Italian. It just PISSES my parents off, I must say!
  2. I'm completely obsessed with Super Mario Brothers 3. I have an original Nintendo console and a Super Mario Brothers 3 cartridge that I still played up until I got myself a Wii last year. Then I bought and downloaded the Wii version. LOVE IT!
  3. At some point in my life, I would like to live in Seattle. (Sorry, Laura!) Not permanently, just for a while.
  4. My favorite kid's movie of ALL time is The Lion King. When Stud was little, we went through 3 VHS tapes because we watched it every single day. Sometimes more than once. We now have it on DVD.
  5. I have a serious magazine addiction. Even though I've cut WAY back on the number of subscriptions I have, I still subscribe to 9 magazines.
  6. My super secret fantasy (no, not THAT one!) is to be a professional singer.
  7. I am the worst housekeeper in the world. I'm always expecting Oprah or Neicy Nash to come knocking on my door one day! But, hell, I would LOVE it, cuz that would mean somebody would finally clean my house!
Wow, that's a pretty random list of things, isn't it?

I actually stopped during this post to take Stud to dinner and the store, so I missed my chance to read in my hammock. However, I may still go lie out there for a while and listen to the crickets and enjoy the cool breeze. I'm SO happy I don't have to go to the Hell-Hole tomorrow!! Too bad I have to have Buster at the vet by 7:30 am. :(
I just stole this from Katy over at Whatever. I can't stop crying. It was too beautiful to not share.

Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I know I'm jinxing myself....

...by even writing about this, but as of 2:45 this afternoon, I only have 20 babies in my class. TWENTY!!! That's music to my ears. I wish I could have videotaped the office today, because you had to see it to believe it. There was a non-stop flow of people in and out ALL DAY!

Today was the first day of class for students at schools that are still on a "regular" schedule, as opposed to our year-round schedule. So, naturally, there were plenty of scumbag parents who have been bringing their kids to the Hell-Hole for FREE BABYSITTING for the past month. But, now, they are transferring them out faster than the office can handle the paper work. They are returning to their own neighborhood schools. And, they're pretty smart, because in less than 3 weeks, we'll be going on our fall intercession, but now their kids won't be off because those schools won't have that break. Pretty slick, huh?

Sadly, my little Diana Betsy Ross is one of those kids. When I went into the office to swipe out today, her mom was there filling out the paperwork for a transfer. She was dumb enough to tell me that she was transferring her to "a school that's closer." Well, duh!!! If you don't even live within our boundaries, I'd love to know how the hell you registered a month ago! Just last week, I spoke to New Principal about this mom because she was starting to work my nerves. Every single day, at about 2:30ish, the office would buzz my room to tell me either a)there was an early dismissal for Ms. Ross (which is so ridiculous, since we get out at 2:45!) or b)send Ms. Ross to the office at dismissal because her mom is running late. Every single day, without fail, I would get one of these two messages. Oh, and I forgot to mention that she brought her to school LATE every day, as well. 15-20 minutes late, for the record. At least I won't have to deal with that anymore.

Two more babies left while I was out last week. I did get a new boy today, while my class was at lunch, of course! Man, I HATE when the office does that!!! I know I've complained about this before, but why can't they tell them to come back the next day? Let the kid start fresh in the morning, instead of in the middle of the day, when they just get thrown into the routine. This poor kid came at the end of lunch, but luckily, he was able to eat. But, then, when I went back to pick the class up, he looked a little teary-eyed. As we walked down the hall to our room, he saw his mom still sitting outside the office (for who knows WHAT reason!) and immediately burst into tears. He then spent the next 30 minutes crying. He told me he had never been in school before, which makes sense. I'm going to have to look into that tomorrow. Poor baby.

Another one of my babies (who is the sister of the Beyonce I had two years ago!) has now missed 11 out of 20 days of school. And, the 9 days that she DID come, she never arrived before 9:30. Um, school starts at 9! I actually saw her oldest sister in the hall this afternoon, and asked where she was, to which her sister replied, "She's not here?" WTF?! I said, "What?! Don't you know whether or not you brought her to school this morning?!" Ugh! Seriously?! I think it's time to get the office involved with this one. Maybe someone should make a little home visit.

Overall, today was a relatively nice day. It definitely helped that I only had 15 babies to deal with all day. I had 5 out today, which is weird. I wonder if any of those are going to end up being transfer-outs. We did fun centers this morning, that were so nice because we only had 2 babies at each center. It was awesome! We also did some 'remodeling' with our homework folders. I may even post about it separately. I feel like I actually got a lot accomplished today. It's amazing how much you can do with 1/2 a class. tee hee!

Plus, I got to school really early today, since I had to drive Stud to school. Believe it or not, this was the first time I've driven him to school this year. His father has been driving him every morning, which has been REALLY nice. Especially since this year, Stud has an early-start schedule, which means he starts about 30 minutes earlier than usual. His first period class is chemistry, and that extra half hour is lab time. Unfortunately for me, his father will be out of town all week for work, which means I'll have to drive him all week, which means I have to leave 30-40 minutes earlier in the morning. It's been so nice not having to drop him off, because his school is the exact opposite direction from our house than the Hell-Hole. That means 15-20 minutes to get him there, then 15-20 minutes back to our house, THEN on to work. OK, I'm finished whining. I'm going to put on my big girl panties now, and deal with it. Or, as Stud's best friend said on the way home today - I'm going to build a bridge and get over it!

Despite dealing with such a heartbreaking loss this past week, I was able to get some rest this past weekend and I actually felt re-energized this morning. Friday (the wake) and Saturday (the funeral) were mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. By Saturday night, I felt like I had been run over by a truck. And, my feet were swollen beyond belief. I finally arrived home around 8:30 that night, and vowed to stay horizontal until I had to go to work today. I was able to do just that on Sunday. I only got out of bed for about 30 minutes, only to spend that time in my hammock. I went right back to my bed after that. I read a stack of magazines, watched some mindless television, and just relaxed.

When I woke up Monday morning, my feet were almost completely back to normal. I had planned to do the exact same thing on Monday, but my mom insisted that we all come over for dinner, and I couldn't say no. I figured, since I had to get up and get dressed, I might as well run an errand or two. I needed to go to Michael's for something for school, and I hit my favorite dollar store. I then went home and made cheesy potatoes and pasta salad, and went to my parents'. It was a lovely evening, and I was home and back in bed at a decent hour.

When I woke up this morning, I felt great. I ended up being away from the Hell-Hole for a total of 6 days in a row, which is the longest break I've had since our spring break back in March. Good Lord, I needed that!! Thank you, Auntie. Now I'm looking even more forward to our fall intercession. I plan to do a whole bunch more of the nothing I've done the past two days. :)

Wow, I haven't rambled like this in quite a while. I apologize. Although, if you're still reading at this point, you have no one to blame but yourself!

Monday, September 6, 2010

Email of the Day

How Thoses Fairy Tales REALLY Ended

Snow White

Sleeping Beauty

Little Red Riding Hood

Cinderella

Belle (Beauty & the Beast)

Jasmine (from Aladdin)

Arielle (The Little Mermaid)
It seems like just yesterday Barbie turned 50...

and now Tweety is 60!
(There was more, but they were superheroes, and not as funny.)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Email of the Day


I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio.

I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.


They, too, will get old.


I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.


Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.


As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore... I've even earned the right to be wrong.


So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever,but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it).

One of my friends sent this to me this morning, and it just seemed so apropos, given the kind of week I've had. I've seen it before, as I'm sure some of you have, but it's always worth another read.

Friday, September 3, 2010

More photos

Here's one of the many photos I scanned of my aunt and uncle's wedding. That's my mom on the right, their other sister on the left. How cute are all of them? My mom was 16 in this picture, my aunt was 18, the bride was 20.

I have no idea when this picture was taken, but I just think my aunt looks really pretty here.
This was taken in the past two years.
This one was taken on the same night as the photo from the last post. This is my grandpa. He must have taken the other picture, since he wasn't in it. Wow, my grandpa has been gone for almost 26 years now. Man, I miss him. But, I am taking comfort in the fact that my aunt is now back with both of her parents, and they're probably whoopin' it up right now!
Not sure where or when this was taken, either, but it's a nice picture of the four siblings.

Beautiful Family Photo

I have been scanning photos for hours. I finally finished, and now I'm about to burn them all to CDs. I'm also going to attempt to make a powerpoint slideshow of the photos to show at the wake tonight.

Here's an AWESOME photo of my grandma and her children. I have no idea what year this is from, or where they were. It would seem like they're at a wedding, maybe? And, my mom says my sister was already born, so maybe early 70s.

My mother is stunningly beautiful, isn't she? She finally made it home from Italy yesterday afternoon. She was too exhausted to do much, but I'm afraid that when she woke up today, the reality of losing her sister must have set in. I'm almost a little afraid to see how the wake goes tonight.


Marylou, Roseanne (my mom), Eddie, Grandma and Lucy I have a feeling I'm going to be posting several more times today, in between burning CDs, making slideshows and putting together photo boards...

Darn it...

I really wish it didn't rain all night, because now my hammock is soaking wet. It's about 60 degrees here right now, which is PERFECT hammock weather.